didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
