Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
