i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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