i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
