'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
