we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
