If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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