Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sorry my hands just texted you
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
