As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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