I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
