Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
