I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
