I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
