Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
