i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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