recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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