just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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