The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
