Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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