uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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