In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
