dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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