Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
