Your dad touched me again.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
