So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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