Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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