My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
