you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
