I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
