I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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