Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
