I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
