you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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