i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
