did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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