Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
