ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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