Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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