i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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