I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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