im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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