I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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