I just made out with a guy for $7.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
