i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
