I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
