dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
