also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
