just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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