there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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