If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
