Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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